An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through, she leans over and says to him:
"I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think
I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies:
"Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."
The patient asks, "How much to pull this tooth?"
The dentist answers, "$100"
Surprised, the patient questions, "$100 for just a few
"Well, I can extract it very slowly if you'd like."
Lena called the newspaper to place an obituary when Ole
The receptionist asked "What would you like his obituary
to say?", to which Lena answered, "Ole died."
The receptionist then asked, "Lena, you get five full
words for free. Isn't there anything more you'd like to
A long pause followed. Finally, Lena answered: "Ole died.
Chevy for sale."
A lawyer riding in his limousine one day, suddenly
spotted two men eating grass on the side of the roadway.
Never having seen men graze before, he told his chauffeur
to stop the car. On speaking with the 2 men, the lawyer
learned that they ate the grass because they were too
poor to buy food.
The lawyer then encouraged the two men to accompany him
in his limousine to his home. The two men were overjoyed
by the lawyer's kind offer, but they told the lawyer that
they were unable to come because they could not leave
their families behind. The lawyer, without hesitating,
invited both men's families to come with him to his home.
Each family piled into the limousine, and they proceeded
to the home. Along the way, one of the men turned to the
lawyer, thanking him over and over for taking again their
poor families into his home.
The lawyer turned to the man, saying "Oh, that's no
trouble at all. The grass at my house is twice as tall
as that old field.
An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing
one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring.
The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to
his ear, his left pinky finger to his mouth and proceeds
to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he
looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest
American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my
thumb and one in my pinky finger and the antenna is in
my hat. Great stuff, eh?"
They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again,
they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to
one side and proceeds to have a conversation with
someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to
the other two that he has the latest in German
technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in
my ear and the antenna inserted in my spine. The
wonders of German know-how!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing
it, the Japanese man disappears into some nearby
bushes. The German and the American look at each other
and then walk over to peek into the bushes. There they
found the Japanese man, squatting with his pants down
around his ankles.
"What on earth are you doing?!" asked the American.
The Japanese fellow looked up and without pause, replied
'Waiting for a fax.'
A medical student, an Internist, a Psychiatrist, a
Surgeon and a Pathologist go duck hunting.
They barely find their duck blind before the first duck
flies over. The medical student is the first to raise
his shotgun, but unable to tell if the duck is really a
duck, he does not shoot.
The internist aims his shotgun, but can not tell if the
duck is male or female and he does not shoot.
The psychiatrist has the duck framed in his sight, but
then lowers his shotgun, claiming "I know this is a duck,
but does the duck know he's a duck?"
The surgeon quickly raises his shotgun, aims, and without
pause shoots. The duck falls to the ground. The surgeon
turns to the pathologist. "Go figure out if that's a duck or not.'
Two older, never-married sisters run a small local
pharmacy. One day, a young man approaches one of the
sisters at the pharmacy counter, inquiring what she can
give him for his priapism.
She excused herself to consult with her sister who was
working in the stockroom. After a few minutes, she
returned. "The best we can do is $10,000 and the store."
1 month ago